I just figured out that time travel is impossible.

When Homer Simpson traveled back in time he wisely remembered back to the advice his father game him on his wedding day: “If you ever travel back in time, don’t step on anything.” But the fact of the matter is, Grandpa was wrong. If you travel back in time you can do anything you want and nothing would change.

Here’s the thing, time is linear, which means that there is only one time-line for which said time-traveler to travel. So if he wants to go back and stop the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, any interference he would cause wouldn’t be interference at all but rather the exact reason the event happened in the first place. Because we know the assassination has already taken place, this proves that any attempt to stop it would not only be futile, but could actually be the reason for its existence. So since we know that Lincoln was assassinated, it’s best to just let time be so not to have the kind of guilt that comes with the assisted murder of our greatest president. The only way changing history through time travel would make sense is if we’re talking about multi-dimensional time travel which, pft, come on, is quite silly.

And movies screw this up all the time. Marty McFly almost ceases to be when he accidentally gets in the middle of his own parents meeting (and the idea that him and his siblings would slowly fade away is ridiculous. If it were possible to screw up the past and if Marty really did jeopardize his existence, then he would disappear the moment he got in the way! Jeez!). Luckily for Marty, he is able to get his parents back together and save himself despite screwing a few things up in the process. As a result, some things do change. But how come Marty is the only one who remembers? When he gets back from the past, he remembers how crappy everything was, but how come his parents don’t? Why aren’t the McFly’s curious as to why they’re loaded all of a sudden? And how come Biff isn’t confused at his newfound lack of self-worth and dignity? The answer is because you can’t change the past.

So this also means that time travel will never exist. It will never exist because we would have heard about it by now. Someone, somewhere would have traveled back in time and let him or herself be known by now. Unless Van Damme is on the job, time-copping it.

Bands that should be included in the next Guitar Hero/Rock Band

I think a new Guitar Hero and a new Rock Band are coming out soon and I hope, I hope, I hope they remembered to include these artists cause they would be PERFECT for the game.

Captain Beefheart



Maher Shalal Hash Baz



The Shaggs



John Cage

The greatest moment of my life

You know what I'm in the mood for??

A Shaq-Attack Double Feature!!

My rhymes be ill

Believe it or not I have recorded many hip hop albums under various different pseudonyms and here they are.

Pez 'spenser - "The Blockfartty"
Master Parapleg - "Sippin' & Dippin'"
Cholesterballin' - "S.H.I.R.L.E.Y. T.E.M.P.L.E."
The 6 Mil $ MoFo - "Topical Hatred"
Jay Z - "The Blueprint"
Bizzcuitz and Gravzzy - "There's a Stank in My Nose-holes"
Larry - "Hug and Make Up"
Illip Seymour Hoffman - "Peanut Bril"
Real EstHate - "The UnHated StHates of AmericHate"

I am definitely most proud of The Blockfartty.

Danny Torrance wears awesome sweaters

Danny Torrance wears the best sweaters ever in The Shining. Like this one.



But this... if anyone wants to get me a great Christmas gift, get me this.

I should write movies

This doesn't really spoil anything but the movie Hancock ends with Will Smith almost not saving the day and then saving the day. But I have a much better ending...

Michael Bluth:
Hancock! The bad guys are doing things!

Hancock:
Aw, hell no!

Hancock chases after bad guys.

Hancock:
Welcome to Earth!

Hancock punches bad guys in the face.

Hancock:
Now that's what I call a close encounter!

Michael Bluth:
Well done Hancock. What shall we do now?

Hancock:
So I'm thinkin' I'ma scoot me something hot in this south-sea merengue melting pot.

Hancock grabs the watch off a bad guy.

Hancock:
I have got to get me one of these!

Something blows up and the credits roll.

Hipsters Bless America

As the 4th of July approaches, please take some time to remember what this holiday is all about. This is a time of sarcasm and ironically acting overly patriotic. That's what America was built on and what has continued to make us the most progressive country in the world.

I'm smarter than PETA

I'm down with animals but I have a much better solution than throwing paint on fur to save them. Cause the problem with throwing paint on fur is, they're already dead. Paint has no resurrective power to bring animals back to life, as far as I know, so throwing paint on fur-wearing woman and their monocled husbands serves no purpose other than being really, really funny.

So what's my solution? Well I'm glad I asked myself. The solution is quite simple; we must get to the animals before the clothing stores do... and throw paint on every animal in the world. It's going to take a Moses-like tenacity to pull it off but if you really love animals then you need to do your part and throw a bucket of green paint right in your dog's cute, little face.

And the only down side I can think of is that we won't be able to tell horses and zebras apart and chameleons will have a whole let less to talk about in casual conversation.

Is it me...

Or does Someday by The Strokes sound a whole lot like Everybody's Happy Nowadays by The Buzzcocks?

Strokes...



Buzzcocks...

Gary Numan keeps me from hating my car

Right now I really hate my car. It's not treating me very well. But every time I get fed up with my car I just think of the wise words Gary Numan once told me. He told me that in my car, I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors, it's the only way to live. In cars.



"Not only is he a pop star but he's got a pilots license as well. Imagine that!"

Insert your own Trapped in the Closet joke here

So here is a jaw-dropping, would-be-hilarious-if-it-wasn't-disturbing account of the R. Kelly trial.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/entertainment/newsid_7456000/7456120.stm

But the real outrage is at the end.

As a bizarre footnote, R Kelly may be returning to Cook County Courthouse again soon. He is being sued by a man called Uncle Henry Love, who claims the singer stole his dance moves.

I don't know which is funnier, that he's suing over stolen dance moves or that his name is Uncle Henry Love.

Just so you know

I have a pair of pants that has a rather large hole right where the least amount of sun can shine on a person. It's very awkward and I get really self conscious when I wear them cause I never know if someone will see it. So when I sit down I'm constantly trying to sit in positions so you can't see my unmentionables.

Now I know what you're thinking, why don't I stop wearing these pants? Well, quite frankly, I like them. I like them despite the overwhelming likelihood that I shame myself forever.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this; please don't look at my groin while I'm wearing this particular pair of pants. And since you don't know which pair has this hole, I'm going to have to ask you to stop looking there all together.

I'm in this. See if you can find me.

The Armando Iannucci Show

Great Intentions

I'm going to sign up for eharmony.com for the soul purpose of getting a commercial deal.

Only in LA

So here's further proof that The New Beverly Cinema is the coolest place on earth.

This month the theater is celebrating their 30th anniversary and to commemorate that they're duplicating the original schedule from their first month as a theater. They are also showing their longest running midnight movie, Reservoir Dogs, every Friday of this month. You can read all about it here - http://www.newbevcinema.com/

So last night I went and saw Reservoir Dogs and it was quite a memorable experience.

As I was standing in line I notice that the man behind me was Clu Gulager. If you look at his filmography you'll see that this man has been in a ton of movies and tv shows but I've always been really fond of him in Return of the Living Dead. So it was really cool when he just started up a conversation with me and as he talked the only thing I could think of was this...


He shows up about 1:20 into it.

After conversing with Clu Gulager for a bit my friends Phil and Jackie show up, showed me their boxes o' vhs tapes they just bought, and then drove off in a puff of smoke. It was hilarious.

When they finally started selling tickets, they were giving away Michael Madsen's book of photography and poetry. Apparently Quentin Tarantino had boxes of these things in his garage and gave them to the theater to give out to everybody. Now, I like Michael Madsen. I got nothing against him. But this book is hilarious. Here take a look...



On the back of the book is what I can only imagine is Madsen's artist statement which says, "I got an idea to shoot different kinds of signs while I was in Toronto working on Tilt for ESPN." Brilliant. Here's some of the photos...



That's a poorly lit, out of focus shot of a widow.



And that is a picture of a dashboard with a steering wheel in the way. Sorry about the flash glare on the pictures, but if anything they make them more interesting to look at.

Here's an example of the poetry in the book as well...

CASH

Driving Max to a birthday party in the rental
and we put Johnny Cash on the music thing...
it was his last album

I got an envelope from the post office for Harvey,
to send him a white rose from a sad Saturday
and feeling lucky to be above ground.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making fun of Michael Madsen. I'm just making fun of his book.

So once I got into the theater this girl spills beer all over my pants! Not only did that smell really bad but it was cold too.

There was an amazing trailer reel before the film which included (but was not limited to); Mean Streets, The Getaway, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, the most rockin' trailer for John Woo's The Killer, Scarface, Goodfellas, and a cartoon for Dudley Dooright. Now when the trailer for The Getaway was playing, that girl who spilled beer on my pants said sarcastically, "Oh this looks good." Granted, the trailer was extremely cheesy, but if you're going to spill beer on me and then talk trash about Peckinpah, I will mess you up. She then proceeded to text message during the whole movie and sing the lyrics to "Stuck in the Middle with You" during that scene! DAH!

Regardless, it was totally awesome. Reservoir Dogs is still pretty sweet even though I hate Mr. Orange's entire flashback with his stupid restroom story.

Here we are! Born to be Kings!

They got the wording wrong but I'm really glad that Time Magazine believes our electoral process is comparable to Highlander.



Now I can only hope that we drop this silly voting process and proceed to more acceptable means of selecting a president. Like this...

Family Fun

My mom and brother came to Los Angeles today. The first thing my mom did was make my bed. And when I say bed, I mean my half deflated, deflatable mattress.

May Mixtape

A bit early but I'm antsy. Here's my May Mixtape... with lame commentary!

http://branscume.muxtape.com/

1. Guided by Voices - I Am a Tree

I've loved Guided by Voices for a while now but I love them more than ever lately. And this song rules.

2. Motohead - Dr. Rock

Motorhead is awesome because they name their songs Killed by Death, Orgasmatron, Dr. Rock, and Love Me Like a Reptile (I don't even know what that means).

3. Throbbing Gristle - Walkabout

I'm scarred of Throbbing Gristle so I listen to them because I'm afraid of what they might do if I don't.

4. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - West Country Girl

I finally got the Grinderman album but my favorite song on it would feel awkward to play, so here's one of my favorite songs off my favorite Nick Cave album.

5. Edgar Broughton Band - Madhatter

This is all you need to know about Edgar Broughton Band



6. Jonathan Richman - Closer

Cause it wouldn't be a mixtape without Jonathan Richman. My favorite part is at the end when he gets angry.

7. The Trees Community - I Will Not Leave You Comfortless

This Trees Community song gets included instead of any others purely for length.

8. Karen Dalton - Katie Cruel

Bob Dylan said Karen Dalton was his favorite singer. Who are you to say otherwise?

9. Pere Ubu - Cloud 149

Here's what some dude said about Pere Ubu; "Ubu are generally regarded as the missing link between the Velvets and punk."

10. Guided by Voices - Bright Paper Werewolves

Did I mention I like Guided by Voices?

11. Townes Van Zandt - She Came and She Touched Me

Speaking of Bob Dylan, here's what Steve Earle said about Zandt: "Townes Van Zandt is the best songwriter in the whole world and I'll stand on Bob Dylan's coffee table in my cowboy boots and say that."

12. Todd Rivers - One Track Lover

Visual accompaniment.

Buddy, who's the most liquid businessman on the street?

Up until right now, I only knew Charles Durning as an actor, most notably as Waring Hudsucker in the Hudsucker Proxy. But Charles Durning is much more than that...

Actor Charles Durning landed on Normandy’s Omaha Beach as a 17-year-old Army Ranger in June 1944. Before leaving Europe, he was wounded three times and awarded three Purple Hearts and a Silver Star.

This is when it gets good...

Durning was the only man to survive a machine gun ambush on Omaha Beach - and he had to rise above serious wounds and kill seven German gunners to do it.

Months later in Belgium, he was stabbed eight times by a German teenage soldier wielding a bayonet; Durning eventually bludgeoned him to death with a rock. He was released from the hospital in time to fight in the Battle of the Bulge, where he was taken prisoner. After escaping a subsequent massacre of the other prisoners, he was obliged by American forces to return to the scene and help identify bodies. Finally, a bullet in the chest a few months later ended his relentless tour of duty - and began four years of repeated hospitalizations for his physical and psychological injuries.

Jumpin' Jehosaphat!

As least the movie was good

Going to see a romantic comedy, by yourself, surrounded by couples... is kinda depressing.

That sounded funnier in my head.

I'm just sayin'

Remember when J.K. Rowling outed Dumbledore? After she said that I kept hearing people say things like, "OH, I totally see it too. Looking back at the books, it makes perfect sense!"

But seriously, would it have been a shocker to find out that any of the characters were gay after seven books that take place at a magic school?

Waste of time... or brilliant investment???

The first thing I did when I moved out to Los Angeles was find cool movie theaters and boy howdy, does Los Angeles have some cool movies theaters. Easily my favorite of them is The New Beverly Cinema. Here's their website - http://www.newbevcinema.com/

The New Beverly Cinema is strictly a revival theater, meaning they only show films not currently in theatrical distribution. Which is totally awesome. But wait, it gets better. All showings (with the exception of the midnight films) are double bills for seven dollars. Unbelievable.

Needless to say, The New Bev' (as it's commonly called 'round these parts) is my second home. I try to go as much as possible and I'm starting to wish I was keeping track of all the films I've seen there. So here is a vague, possibly complete record of all the films I've seen there in the last seven months.

The Thing ('82 version)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers ('78 version)
Vanishing Point
Hell's Angels on Wheels
Mulholland Dr.
Blue Velvet
Army of Darkness
Big Trouble in Little China
Flash Gordon
Danger: Diabolik!
3:10 to Yuma ('57 version)
High Noon
Raising Arizona
Evil Dead 2
Riki-Oh: the Story of Riki
God Told Me To
Bone
Ms. 45
Commando
Pieces
Torso
The Parallax View
Network
Demons
Jaws 2
The Monster Squad
Night of the Creeps
Piranha
Magnolia
Streets of Fire
American Werewolf in London
Tremors
Bugsy Malone
The Phantom of the Paradise
Legend
Labyrinth
Creepshow
Mother's Day
Toby Dammit
Omega Man
Silent Running

Whoa, I think that's it.

I Eat With Gusto, Damn! You Bet

I think my Jonathan Richman vinyl selection has gotten to the point where I can brag about it. I currently own his first four albums, three of which haven't been released on CD.

Here, I'll show you...



If you don't know who Jonathan Richman is, he's a musician who first got attention when he formed the punk band The Modern Lovers. After that one punk album (it's punkiness is debatable), he ditched that whole schtick and starting writing rockabilly-esque love songs that range from the bizarre to the blissful.

I love Richman because I get the impression that he doesn't take himself too seriously but still gives his all in both his song writing and his live performances.

Richman is without a doubt at the top of my list of musicians I want to see before I (or more likely they) die. Based on clips of him on youtube, he seems to make sure everyone has a good time.

This is one of my favorites...

(take note that this is from 1978 and that all the band members have 70's mustaches and looks like they could easily be in Moby Grape or something, yet Jonathan... looks timeless.)

#$%@^&!

The name game taught me my first swear word.

We all know the name game. It's the one where you take a word and then you kinda contort it in a rhythmic pattern until you wind up back at the original word. For example...

Blog, Blog, bo bog, banana fanana, fo fog, me my mo mog. BLOG!

Fun right. Well, I remember when I first learned that song that I just had to show my mother.

"Oh Eric, that is quite delightful," she said. "JUST NEVER DO DUCK! OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Odd," I thought to myself. "Let's call her bluff."

"Duck, duck, bo buck, banana fanana, fo fu-"

And then she killed me. And so is the story of me and my first swear.

Warning - Violence

The Top Five Movie Shoot Outs (that I could find on youtube, off the top of my head)

Movie shoot outs are harder than you think. It's not just give a bunch of people guns and then wave the camera around. It must have detailed choreography and be shot in an aesthetically appropriate manner while laying out what is happening geographically to the audience.

I love great movie shoot outs and this here is a my top five favorites that I could think of off the top of my head and find on youtube. My only criteria for this was that many bullets had to be fired. No stand offs.

So here's my list. It's very violent.

5. Breaking News (2004) - Johnny To



4. Rolling Thunder (1977) - John Flynn



3. The Wild Bunch (1969) - Sam Peckinpah



2. Miller's Crossing (1990) - The Coen Brothers



1. The entire movie Hard Boiled (1992) - John Woo

NOTE - This is only a small fraction of the jaw-dropping shoot out that is Hard Boiled. You should go rent the whole thing.



I'm sure I'm forgetting some. If I think of any more, I'll post them... I probably won't.

The best track is Liza

I updated this mixtape thing.

http://branscume.muxtape.com/

It's way better. You should make one too.

Who I want to be when I grow up

I'm obsessed with filmmaker Nacho Vigalondo. He's a wickedly funny and inventive filmmaker who makes some outstanding short films.

He just finished his first full length film and I'm itching to see it. It's called Time Crimes and the reviews for it have all been extremely positive. I mean, it's about time travel for crying out loud, it's gotta be great.

Check out the trailer...


Can't wait to see it.

He first starting getting attention though with this Oscar nominated short film, 7:35 in the Morning. I've seriously watched this more times than I can count.



How wonderful is that. I don't want to sound like Roger Ebert here, but I think that film is perfect. I really love everything about it. My favorite bit is the quasi-breakdown where a different person says one line and he runs in front of them and does that hand-on-the-chin-and-nod thing. (that's Vigalondo by the way).

That was the first thing I saw by him and ever since I've been scouring the internet searching for whatever I could find. Next I saw his "follow up" to 7:35, a short film called Choque. Even though this is probably my least favorite thing of his, it's still a lot of fun.



Next I found his epic Philip K. Dick trilogy, Code 7. This has everything I love about movies. It's ambitious and grand in scope, yet is incredibly minimal and clearly has no budget. It's also amusing and funny but still manages to be thought provoking and smart. Be sure to watch all three episodes.







The last short film I was able to find is Changing The World. Again, everything I love is there. Multiple universes and wacky science fiction all done with one actor in the confines of, what I imagine, is his own home.



Finally, I'll leave you with this. Even though I have no idea what's going on here, how can you not love somebody who would do this. He's the one on the right.

Like a rolling stone

There's a stack of old Rolling Stone magazines in the break room of where I work and I enjoy flipping through them when I eat.

I remember when I had a subscription to Rolling Stone when I was a sophomore in high school I didn't really trust their music reviews, but back in those days if it wasn't The Flaming Lips or Radiohead I wasn't interested. So I just assumed that Rolling Stone magazine knew more than me and I just wasn't hip enough to have heard of or even like the music that they gave good reviews to.

But as I flip through these old issues from the 90's, Rolling Stone is giving 3 or 4 stars to bands like Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray. How embarrassing is that? Rolling Stone is suppose to be the music magazine and they do a whole article on the greatness of Cracked Rear View by Hootie and the Blowfish? That's embarrassing.

As I kept looking through these I couldn't help but think that the 90's must have been a terrible time for music. Eddie Vedder clones around ever corner. But it wasn't. So here's a couple of my current favorites from the 90's.

Alien Lines (1995) - Guided by Voices



Mobile Safari (1995) - The Pastels



Check Your Head (1992) - Beastie Boys



Give it Back! (1997) - The Brian Jonestown Massacre



Accelerator (1998) - Royal Trux



The Boatman's Call (1997) - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds



See? The 90's weren't so bad. Why don't I just lay off!? What am I, a jerk?

I give it a week

I'm gonna start a blog. We'll see how long this lasts.

I'll make a proper blog soon but in the mean time, check out my mix tape:

http://branscume.muxtape.com/