Yum Yum Yum!

It's a good thing when you find hair in your food. Sounds crazy but it's true. And there's two reasons why. First, have you ever found more than one hair in your food? No, you haven't. So if you find the one and remove it successfully then you know you're on your way to a hair-free meal. But the second reason is even scarier, cause if you don't find a hair, you don't know what you're eating. If you find it, it's gone, no big deal, but there's no reason to assume that if you didn't see any hair that there wasn't any in there. There could have been loads!

In fact I guarantee there was.

I just figured out that time travel is impossible.

When Homer Simpson traveled back in time he wisely remembered back to the advice his father game him on his wedding day: “If you ever travel back in time, don’t step on anything.” But the fact of the matter is, Grandpa was wrong. If you travel back in time you can do anything you want and nothing would change.

Here’s the thing, time is linear, which means that there is only one time-line for which said time-traveler to travel. So if he wants to go back and stop the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, any interference he would cause wouldn’t be interference at all but rather the exact reason the event happened in the first place. Because we know the assassination has already taken place, this proves that any attempt to stop it would not only be futile, but could actually be the reason for its existence. So since we know that Lincoln was assassinated, it’s best to just let time be so not to have the kind of guilt that comes with the assisted murder of our greatest president. The only way changing history through time travel would make sense is if we’re talking about multi-dimensional time travel which, pft, come on, is quite silly.

And movies screw this up all the time. Marty McFly almost ceases to be when he accidentally gets in the middle of his own parents meeting (and the idea that him and his siblings would slowly fade away is ridiculous. If it were possible to screw up the past and if Marty really did jeopardize his existence, then he would disappear the moment he got in the way! Jeez!). Luckily for Marty, he is able to get his parents back together and save himself despite screwing a few things up in the process. As a result, some things do change. But how come Marty is the only one who remembers? When he gets back from the past, he remembers how crappy everything was, but how come his parents don’t? Why aren’t the McFly’s curious as to why they’re loaded all of a sudden? And how come Biff isn’t confused at his newfound lack of self-worth and dignity? The answer is because you can’t change the past.

So this also means that time travel will never exist. It will never exist because we would have heard about it by now. Someone, somewhere would have traveled back in time and let him or herself be known by now. Unless Van Damme is on the job, time-copping it.

Bands that should be included in the next Guitar Hero/Rock Band

I think a new Guitar Hero and a new Rock Band are coming out soon and I hope, I hope, I hope they remembered to include these artists cause they would be PERFECT for the game.

Captain Beefheart



Maher Shalal Hash Baz



The Shaggs



John Cage

The greatest moment of my life

You know what I'm in the mood for??

A Shaq-Attack Double Feature!!

My rhymes be ill

Believe it or not I have recorded many hip hop albums under various different pseudonyms and here they are.

Pez 'spenser - "The Blockfartty"
Master Parapleg - "Sippin' & Dippin'"
Cholesterballin' - "S.H.I.R.L.E.Y. T.E.M.P.L.E."
The 6 Mil $ MoFo - "Topical Hatred"
Jay Z - "The Blueprint"
Bizzcuitz and Gravzzy - "There's a Stank in My Nose-holes"
Larry - "Hug and Make Up"
Illip Seymour Hoffman - "Peanut Bril"
Real EstHate - "The UnHated StHates of AmericHate"

I am definitely most proud of The Blockfartty.

Danny Torrance wears awesome sweaters

Danny Torrance wears the best sweaters ever in The Shining. Like this one.



But this... if anyone wants to get me a great Christmas gift, get me this.

I should write movies

This doesn't really spoil anything but the movie Hancock ends with Will Smith almost not saving the day and then saving the day. But I have a much better ending...

Michael Bluth:
Hancock! The bad guys are doing things!

Hancock:
Aw, hell no!

Hancock chases after bad guys.

Hancock:
Welcome to Earth!

Hancock punches bad guys in the face.

Hancock:
Now that's what I call a close encounter!

Michael Bluth:
Well done Hancock. What shall we do now?

Hancock:
So I'm thinkin' I'ma scoot me something hot in this south-sea merengue melting pot.

Hancock grabs the watch off a bad guy.

Hancock:
I have got to get me one of these!

Something blows up and the credits roll.

Hipsters Bless America

As the 4th of July approaches, please take some time to remember what this holiday is all about. This is a time of sarcasm and ironically acting overly patriotic. That's what America was built on and what has continued to make us the most progressive country in the world.

I'm smarter than PETA

I'm down with animals but I have a much better solution than throwing paint on fur to save them. Cause the problem with throwing paint on fur is, they're already dead. Paint has no resurrective power to bring animals back to life, as far as I know, so throwing paint on fur-wearing woman and their monocled husbands serves no purpose other than being really, really funny.

So what's my solution? Well I'm glad I asked myself. The solution is quite simple; we must get to the animals before the clothing stores do... and throw paint on every animal in the world. It's going to take a Moses-like tenacity to pull it off but if you really love animals then you need to do your part and throw a bucket of green paint right in your dog's cute, little face.

And the only down side I can think of is that we won't be able to tell horses and zebras apart and chameleons will have a whole let less to talk about in casual conversation.

Is it me...

Or does Someday by The Strokes sound a whole lot like Everybody's Happy Nowadays by The Buzzcocks?

Strokes...



Buzzcocks...

Gary Numan keeps me from hating my car

Right now I really hate my car. It's not treating me very well. But every time I get fed up with my car I just think of the wise words Gary Numan once told me. He told me that in my car, I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors, it's the only way to live. In cars.



"Not only is he a pop star but he's got a pilots license as well. Imagine that!"

Insert your own Trapped in the Closet joke here

So here is a jaw-dropping, would-be-hilarious-if-it-wasn't-disturbing account of the R. Kelly trial.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/entertainment/newsid_7456000/7456120.stm

But the real outrage is at the end.

As a bizarre footnote, R Kelly may be returning to Cook County Courthouse again soon. He is being sued by a man called Uncle Henry Love, who claims the singer stole his dance moves.

I don't know which is funnier, that he's suing over stolen dance moves or that his name is Uncle Henry Love.

Just so you know

I have a pair of pants that has a rather large hole right where the least amount of sun can shine on a person. It's very awkward and I get really self conscious when I wear them cause I never know if someone will see it. So when I sit down I'm constantly trying to sit in positions so you can't see my unmentionables.

Now I know what you're thinking, why don't I stop wearing these pants? Well, quite frankly, I like them. I like them despite the overwhelming likelihood that I shame myself forever.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this; please don't look at my groin while I'm wearing this particular pair of pants. And since you don't know which pair has this hole, I'm going to have to ask you to stop looking there all together.

I'm in this. See if you can find me.

The Armando Iannucci Show

Great Intentions

I'm going to sign up for eharmony.com for the soul purpose of getting a commercial deal.

Only in LA

So here's further proof that The New Beverly Cinema is the coolest place on earth.

This month the theater is celebrating their 30th anniversary and to commemorate that they're duplicating the original schedule from their first month as a theater. They are also showing their longest running midnight movie, Reservoir Dogs, every Friday of this month. You can read all about it here - http://www.newbevcinema.com/

So last night I went and saw Reservoir Dogs and it was quite a memorable experience.

As I was standing in line I notice that the man behind me was Clu Gulager. If you look at his filmography you'll see that this man has been in a ton of movies and tv shows but I've always been really fond of him in Return of the Living Dead. So it was really cool when he just started up a conversation with me and as he talked the only thing I could think of was this...


He shows up about 1:20 into it.

After conversing with Clu Gulager for a bit my friends Phil and Jackie show up, showed me their boxes o' vhs tapes they just bought, and then drove off in a puff of smoke. It was hilarious.

When they finally started selling tickets, they were giving away Michael Madsen's book of photography and poetry. Apparently Quentin Tarantino had boxes of these things in his garage and gave them to the theater to give out to everybody. Now, I like Michael Madsen. I got nothing against him. But this book is hilarious. Here take a look...



On the back of the book is what I can only imagine is Madsen's artist statement which says, "I got an idea to shoot different kinds of signs while I was in Toronto working on Tilt for ESPN." Brilliant. Here's some of the photos...



That's a poorly lit, out of focus shot of a widow.



And that is a picture of a dashboard with a steering wheel in the way. Sorry about the flash glare on the pictures, but if anything they make them more interesting to look at.

Here's an example of the poetry in the book as well...

CASH

Driving Max to a birthday party in the rental
and we put Johnny Cash on the music thing...
it was his last album

I got an envelope from the post office for Harvey,
to send him a white rose from a sad Saturday
and feeling lucky to be above ground.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making fun of Michael Madsen. I'm just making fun of his book.

So once I got into the theater this girl spills beer all over my pants! Not only did that smell really bad but it was cold too.

There was an amazing trailer reel before the film which included (but was not limited to); Mean Streets, The Getaway, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, the most rockin' trailer for John Woo's The Killer, Scarface, Goodfellas, and a cartoon for Dudley Dooright. Now when the trailer for The Getaway was playing, that girl who spilled beer on my pants said sarcastically, "Oh this looks good." Granted, the trailer was extremely cheesy, but if you're going to spill beer on me and then talk trash about Peckinpah, I will mess you up. She then proceeded to text message during the whole movie and sing the lyrics to "Stuck in the Middle with You" during that scene! DAH!

Regardless, it was totally awesome. Reservoir Dogs is still pretty sweet even though I hate Mr. Orange's entire flashback with his stupid restroom story.

Here we are! Born to be Kings!

They got the wording wrong but I'm really glad that Time Magazine believes our electoral process is comparable to Highlander.



Now I can only hope that we drop this silly voting process and proceed to more acceptable means of selecting a president. Like this...

Family Fun

My mom and brother came to Los Angeles today. The first thing my mom did was make my bed. And when I say bed, I mean my half deflated, deflatable mattress.