Hipsters Bless America

As the 4th of July approaches, please take some time to remember what this holiday is all about. This is a time of sarcasm and ironically acting overly patriotic. That's what America was built on and what has continued to make us the most progressive country in the world.

I'm smarter than PETA

I'm down with animals but I have a much better solution than throwing paint on fur to save them. Cause the problem with throwing paint on fur is, they're already dead. Paint has no resurrective power to bring animals back to life, as far as I know, so throwing paint on fur-wearing woman and their monocled husbands serves no purpose other than being really, really funny.

So what's my solution? Well I'm glad I asked myself. The solution is quite simple; we must get to the animals before the clothing stores do... and throw paint on every animal in the world. It's going to take a Moses-like tenacity to pull it off but if you really love animals then you need to do your part and throw a bucket of green paint right in your dog's cute, little face.

And the only down side I can think of is that we won't be able to tell horses and zebras apart and chameleons will have a whole let less to talk about in casual conversation.

Is it me...

Or does Someday by The Strokes sound a whole lot like Everybody's Happy Nowadays by The Buzzcocks?

Strokes...



Buzzcocks...

Gary Numan keeps me from hating my car

Right now I really hate my car. It's not treating me very well. But every time I get fed up with my car I just think of the wise words Gary Numan once told me. He told me that in my car, I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors, it's the only way to live. In cars.



"Not only is he a pop star but he's got a pilots license as well. Imagine that!"

Insert your own Trapped in the Closet joke here

So here is a jaw-dropping, would-be-hilarious-if-it-wasn't-disturbing account of the R. Kelly trial.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/entertainment/newsid_7456000/7456120.stm

But the real outrage is at the end.

As a bizarre footnote, R Kelly may be returning to Cook County Courthouse again soon. He is being sued by a man called Uncle Henry Love, who claims the singer stole his dance moves.

I don't know which is funnier, that he's suing over stolen dance moves or that his name is Uncle Henry Love.

Just so you know

I have a pair of pants that has a rather large hole right where the least amount of sun can shine on a person. It's very awkward and I get really self conscious when I wear them cause I never know if someone will see it. So when I sit down I'm constantly trying to sit in positions so you can't see my unmentionables.

Now I know what you're thinking, why don't I stop wearing these pants? Well, quite frankly, I like them. I like them despite the overwhelming likelihood that I shame myself forever.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this; please don't look at my groin while I'm wearing this particular pair of pants. And since you don't know which pair has this hole, I'm going to have to ask you to stop looking there all together.

I'm in this. See if you can find me.

The Armando Iannucci Show